It’s embarrassing… someone studying to be a mental health professional of sorts feeling like a depressed sack of shit. But it is how it is. No matter how educated I get, I can’t even find a job at all. I live alone, have no social life, noone ever calling to see how I am or asking me to go out somewhere, nearly too old to have a baby, never had a long term relationship even though I know I’m far from ugly or dumb or unkind, no family support… just constant hell every day with both nothing to live for and nothing to live on. So I constantly ponder suicide. The only thing stopping me from moving beyond just pondering is the fear that I will still be alive but will have to live with something worse, like a physical disability, damaged liver and kidneys or brain damage from the effects of a botched attempt.
People say suicidal thoughts equate to madness. But I don’t. No job, no money, no people in my life. I haven’t worked in a year now since leaving for study reasons and assuming I would have found a part time job by now – but no such luck. The story of my life. I have nothing and am nothing. Perfectly valid reasons to want to off myself when I have none of the things that are important and have a growing credit card debt. That’s not madness. That’s logic. And even if some of these things end up changing soon, nothing changes the fact that I’m getting to fucking old to be a mother and that a life without children isn’t worth living.
And then I just read a blog by some stupid girl whinging that she hasn’t had sex in 18 days. 18 days? Try 8 bloody years! If there is anything I can’t stand, it’s stupid people whinging about absolutely nothing, while everyone else has it much worse than they do.