Dancing with death

It’s embarrassing… someone studying to be a mental health professional of sorts feeling like a depressed sack of shit. But it is how it is. No matter how educated I get, I can’t even find a job at all. I live alone, have no social life, noone ever calling to see how I am or asking me to go out somewhere, nearly too old to have a baby, never had a long term relationship even though I know I’m far from ugly or dumb or unkind, no family support… just constant hell every day with both nothing to live for and nothing to live on. So I constantly ponder suicide. The only thing stopping me from moving beyond just pondering is the fear that I will still be alive but will have to live with something worse, like a physical disability, damaged liver and kidneys or brain damage from the effects of a botched attempt.

People say suicidal thoughts equate to madness. But I don’t. No job, no money, no people in my life. I haven’t worked in a year now since leaving for study reasons and assuming I would have found a part time job by now – but no such luck. The story of my life. I have nothing and am nothing. Perfectly valid reasons to want to off myself when I have none of the things that are important and have a growing credit card debt. That’s not madness. That’s logic. And even if some of these things end up changing soon, nothing changes the fact that I’m getting to fucking old to be a mother and that a life without children isn’t worth living.

And then I just read a blog by some stupid girl whinging that she hasn’t had sex in 18 days. 18 days? Try 8 bloody years! If there is anything I can’t stand, it’s stupid people whinging about absolutely nothing, while everyone else has it much worse than they do.

This entry was posted in childless, death, depression, hate my life, hell, I want to die, misery, please kill me, sadness, slash my wrists, suicide, Uncategorized, unemployment and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Dancing with death

  1. pajara92 says:

    I’d like to help in anyway I can.

    • Thank you. It doesn’t solve everything, but if there is a big man upstairs then maybe he’s starting to listen. I did have a long talk with a friend I’ve known less than a year over the weekend and she was great and then today I was offered a part time job that I will start in a few weeks.

      • pajara92 says:

        He must have heard you! I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I’m here to be an ear if you would like. Keep writing, it’s a gift! Use it, explore it, love it! Learn to see the small details of life, the ways things that seem so separate come together to create this world, this nature. It’s because I’ve met an angel who gave me eyes that I have realized the level to which you can see the world in every minute detail, feel the vibes and energy of humans, love nature without asking for love back because your eyes are pleased just looking. When you breathe, learn to do it and feel the oxygen fill your lungs and release, when you talk listen to yourself. Don’t just exist, live, don’t be blind like most people, wake up and make yourself see everything that people too busy for this universe ignore. It’s the little moments that matter, the observations you make, and that will also make you a better writer, always working to improve. You have been in my thoughts, in one conversation and continue to be.

        Sending positive vibes all the way from Washington DC…

  2. Thanks again. I hope He listens to my other wishes then! I don’t know if you believe in intuitive dreams or thoughts, but I’ve had many dreams that have seriously freaked me out because they have turned out to be premonitions. But I keep thinking about a few weeks ago when I was looking at myself in the mirror imagining my graduation next year and I kept picturing myself walking across the stage pregnant. But I guess because there is nothing random about that and I still want to be a mum so much, it could just be wishful thinking and not another premonition.

  3. pajara92 says:

    I was checking your blog to see if you had posted anything new and just saw this comment, I’m sorry I hadn’t seen it earlier. I do believe in the mysterious power of dreams. Make your future what you want it to be. How are you doing?

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